


Send It

by lovette11



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternative Meeting, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Pen Pals, n mental illness, obvs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-10-22 07:05:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10692171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovette11/pseuds/lovette11
Summary: Evan and Connor are assigned each other as pen-pals by their therapists in a programme to bring teens with mental illnesses together into friendship. Or maybe more.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m not allowed to write about how lame I think this scheme is. I can, however, tell you that this is my 14th attempt that hasn’t been rejected ~~yet~~ and let you draw your own conclusions from that.

So you’re also a ~~member of the mentally fucked~~ therapy patient, how’s that for you? ~~Doesn’t it make you wanna die even more?~~

My name is Connor Murphy, I have bipolar disorder, I’m 17 ~~and I’m considering a second suicide attempt over writing any more of this shit.~~  And my favourite movie is One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

I’m now required to ask you 3 questions in order to maintain the communication between us in order to best develop a lifelong co-dependency, did I say co-dependency? I meant to write friendship. Auto-correct.

  1. ~~How are you fucked up?~~
  2. ~~What fucked you up? Abusive dad? Orphan? Gamma radiation?~~
  3. What’s your emotional response towards couscous? Personally I don’t trust it. But don’t let that sway you.



Sincerely,

Me.

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Hello. Do you have to write hello after already saying ‘Dear’?**  
**Is the ‘Dear’ the ‘Hello’ of a letter?**  
**Have I just essentially said “Hello, Hello?”.**  
**Am I overthinking it?**  
**I’m probably overthinking it.**

**14 letters is excessive, I only got up to 10. But my therapist wasn’t censoring me. It was more me censoring myself, because I came off too annoying, and I overshared, and my writing started to go wonky and then I thought like “Oh my god what if he thinks I’m on crack?” and THEN I thought “But what if he’s on crack and thinks it’s offensive that I think my writing looks like a crackhead wrote it? Some crackheads might have really nice handwriting- This is maybe why it took me 10 attempts.**

**Yes, I’m also in therapy. It’s fine. How’s your therapy?**

**I’m also 17. I have a social anxiety disorder, can you tell? Is it obvious? Are you lying if you say no? There’s no right way to respond to this.**

**Also (am I using the word also too much) you only technically asked me one question so the communication flow is severely lacking on your part. The answer is indifference. Although I’d like to hear further of your distrust of couscous… Which leads me into my 3 questions:**

  1. **Why do you dislike couscous?**
  2. **How can you not trust a food?**
  3. **~~What fucked you up? Dead uncle? Cyrofreeze?~~**



**Sincerely,**

**Me**

**P.S. Even if it’s lined out I can still read it.**

* * *

 

 ** ~~  
~~** Dear Evan Hansen,

You don’t say hello in a letter. It’s like rule number one of letters. Rule number two is that you also don’t comment on the handwriting of another person, and since I’m well-versed in letter etiquette, your crack habits are a safe secret hidden among uncrossed T’s and ink smudges (are you left-handed?).

Therapy is therapy, no-one’s therapy is fine. If you’re in therapy, you’re not fine.

Having said that, my therapy is fine.

Also, with the social anxiety thing… Sucks, bro. :/  Now that’s out the way I want to discuss couscous. I have very strong opinions okay? I don’t believe in it. What is it? Is it a lentil? Is it a rice? Is it a vegetable? Is it a carb? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't. trust. it.  
Evan Hansen, how can you feel so indifferent towards such an abomination? How can you live with yourself knowing you made such wrong decisions!  
(Wait list that as one of my 3 questions)

  1. What are your interests?
  2. What’s your favourite colour?



Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Yes, I know, that’s how we send secret messages. It’s covert Evan, keep up.

 

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I think maybe I should’ve taken a class on letter etiquette before I agreed to this exercise, my therapist didn’t warn me of the expectations when she gave me the Pen-pal Talk (capitalisation completely necessary). I’m not 100% sure that mentioning a crack habit is entirely appropriate in letters that go through our respective therapists, but I won’t tell if you don’t. ((Dr Sherman if you’re reading this please know I am joking, I would never do crack. I snorted sugar once and I did it too hard and burst a blood vessel in my nose and it bled out for like 2 hours and I had to go to A &E, I am very particular about the contents of my nose and I promise for it to remain that way so please don’t tell my mom I do crack, I don’t wanna get grounded.)) **

**Yes, I’m left-handed, well I was, before the ‘incident’. That made it sound like I lost my arm. I still have it. It’s just broken. I fell out of a tree. I like trees (they’re my interests).**

**My favourite colour is blue. Like the sky. Or like, water. Or you know… Other blue things.**

  1. **What’s your favourite colour?**
  2. **What’s your favourite tree? (This is very important to me)**
  3. **Have you ever been to A &E?**



**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. Copy that, over.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Your therapist doesn’t think you’re doing crack Evan, chill out. These letters are confidential. They’re meant to inspire trust between anonymous parties, if we knew therapists read them we probably wouldn’t get past the shit like “what are you’re interests?”. SPEAKING OF INTERESTS.

Who THE FUCK  has trees as an interest?! ~~That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.~~ Okay that was mean I’m sorry.  
I never really thought about trees.  
 Is pot a tree? It’s like, a plant, and trees are plants.  
So like… In theory pot is a tree.  
That’s my answer. I stand by it.

Wow. Blue. Original. Very masculine and heteronormative. Mine is yellow. (If we ever met I think you’d laugh at that).

Also yes I’ve been to A&E, but it wasn’t for snorting sugar that’s for damn sure. ~~The suicide attempt mentioned in my first letter. Or are we glazing over that?~~

Now it’s time for the question segment of today’s letter:

  1. Worst thing about your M.I?
  2. Favourite place?
  3. What question would you like to ask your future self? Maybe 30 years down the line I’ll send your letters back to you to see how you answered. If we're both alive.



Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Roger that, Hansen. Over and out.

 

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I THE FUCK have an interest in trees, thank you very much. And pot is not a tree, the mere suggestion of that offends me to my very core. Trees are all high and shit- actually there are some similarities. (Please say that was funny, I don’t understand weed culture. 4/20 blaze it.)**

**Hey I like blue but the very last thing I am is hetero and how dare you suggest otherwise. (I’m gay btw, idk if that’s weird for you but like if it is then that’s kinda your problem not mine but I feel the need to validate myself through other people’s opinions ((worst thing about my M.I.))  so like kinda is my problem but can’t really help that because apparently it’s the chemical imbalance in my brain but being gay is just like a part of who I am and if you hate it then you’re being dick and you can’t blame an imbalance in your brain it’s just like blatant homophobia- I’m making it more weird by talking about it aren’t I? Imagine that conversation x10 and you get me coming out to my mom)**

**My favourite place Ellison State Park, I did a summer internship there, it’s actually how I broke my arm. You didn’t ask but I thought you might find that interesting, I don’t know why. I wasn’t just like weirdly hanging out in a tree, I was an intern …weirdly hanging out in a tree.**

**I would ask my future self what I should study in college but that’s dumb because by the time I get my own answer I’d be 30 and if I didn’t go to college because I was waiting for an answer you’d probably just have to send the letter to a cardboard box on the side of the street because I’d have no life. No future. No qualifications. Just a boy and his box.**

**So instead I’d ask him,**

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Are you Happy?**

**Sincerely,**

**You.**

**What about you? What would you ask?**

**Do you believe in aliens?**

**What do you want to study at college?**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. Who’s Roger? Are you sending therapy letters to other people, Murphy? I thought what we had was special.  
**

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Your weed jokes are terrible, I bet you haven't even drunk a marijuana. (See? That's how it's done. Comedy gold right there.)

Yes you made it more weird, why would you assume I was some homophobic asshole? Would a homophobic asshole get strung up about heteronormativity? I think not.  
Checkmate.  
In the spirit of oversharing I'm bi so like, enjoy that information I guess. 

Man I wish I was a fly on the wall through-out your coming out, that would've been an Experience™. ~~Pretty brave though~~. How did your mom react? 

You make climbing trees sound like a weird kink thing, I don't wanna kinkshame man but if that's what gets you off then I might have to cease communication for some time until I can get the mental image of you rubbing yourself on a tree like a bear with a scratch and getting off in the middle of the national park out of my brain. ~~What do you look like?~~

I would ask myself "Was it worth it to try?". I hope for both our sakes the respective answers are yes.

I believe in aliens, who knows maybe I should study them in college. Is there a course for Extra terrestrial study? If not then I'll make one: E.T. 101. Would you attend my class, Hansen?

 

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I would never. It's only us, Hansen.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> U ASKED FOR MORE, SO I DELIVERED. kind comments feed my ego.

**Dear Connor Murphy, Or should I say Professor Murphy PHD**

**I’m only assuming you need a PHD in order to study aliens. I wouldn’t know, I’m barely passing high school.**

**I’m not answering your letter in order, is that annoying for you? I wanted to address the alien thing first as I feel it is a priority for you to know that absolutely 100%  I would be front and centre for a seminar about aliens. I think I could write a 3 page essay on government conspiracy theories but then we might get flagged by the C.I.A. and I don’t want to jeopardize what we’ve got here.**

**I also feel obligated to mention that no, I don’t have a tree kink. Liking trees is not some weird sex thing. I just think they’re majestic.**

**I mainly wanted to put those two things first because boy, you’re in for a wild haul with the tale of my coming out:**

**It was an accident. Well. Preconceived accident. I was planning on telling my mom, but I didn’t need that kind of confrontation in my life. I don’t deal great with confrontation (circle back to the whole anxiety thing). I had a therapy letter written out ready, conveniently placed for her to find, with the ins-and-outs of my struggle with my sexuality. It was a good 2 pages.**  
**When suddenly she brought home this study group from one of her law night classes.**  
  
**So picture this: I’m upstairs in my room. 6 middle-aged women all stumble into the house through the front door. It’s a race from my room to the kitchen before they make their way over to the table where the Gay Evidence lies. As they’re in the hallway removing their coats and shoes I LEAP from the bedroom window to the roof of the garage. I slide down the drainpipe, fire-man style, into the garden. Tear open the back door into the laundry room and race into the kitchen to steal back my property. When I'm confronted with 7 drunk women on a Tuesday night, I see my mom already sat down at the table. Letter in hand. Tears in her eyes. Wine on the table.**  
**It was a shitshow, to be frank, they all ended up coddling me into their arms one by one like a weird baptism as they kissed me on the forehead and told me I was still their collective son. I don’t think any of them actually remember it. I wish I couldn't. It was the ultimate embarrassment.**

**Do your family know your bi? I feel it’s only fair to share your coming out tale in excruciating detail after my ordeal.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me**

**P.S. I wouldn’t want it any other way, Murphy.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’ll drink to failing in classes. Failing in life. Failing in general. Actually I’ll just keep drinking.

And argue as much as you like but the tree thing is definitely a kink and I’ll bring it up at every opportunity available to me. I might even send you provocative polaroid’s of trees, you know in case National Geographic magazines doesn’t quite get you off.

My coming out story? Not quite as much as a disaster as yours. It was less of a coming out and more of an… Exhibition.

I had frequently _publicly_ saw girls, always flings and never long-term. My dad would joke about getting a rotating door installed to the front of the house because they’d come over after school and be gone before dinner. I think he thought if I met the right one, I might actually end up settling down and be “normal”.  
I had guys over often enough when my parents were out but one night I got high, got a bit reckless and made a shitty booty call. I went to see him off, thought I had him sneak out the house at midnight but it turns out we had both passed out for over 16 hours and he ended up shirtless, covered in hickies and on a come down in the middle of family breakfast.   
My mom offered him some pancakes and we never spoke about it. I sort of stopped seeing people when I started planning to kill myself, and the rest is history I guess.

Have you ever been in love? How did it end?

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Every time I see a guy with his arm in a cast I wonder if it’s you.

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I’ve never been drunk. Never even had a drink. I don’t suppose you’d be surprised by this fact given that you can tell I’m not exactly number one on the guest list for parties.**

**Also if you’re the one going around taking pictures of trees that you think are ‘provocative’, essentially aren’t you the one with the tree kink? Hah. Backfired.**

**Why did none of your relationships last longer than a day? I’ve never even managed to hold one person in a conversation for longer than 3 minutes, I can’t imagine dating multiple people a week. I’m not trying to… shame you. Or whatever. I’m mostly impressed by your stamina. In like, a non-weird way. I meant it in a way like, “wow aren’t you exhausted?” No wait- That makes it weirder.  
It’s not like I’m sat here actively thinking about your sex life. It wasn’t even about the sex! I meant dating! Just that serial dating sounds exhausting! Nothing else!**

**ANYWAY. Your coming out sounds awkward as hell. At least I didn't go through the weird 'introducing the parents'. Or in my case, seven mothers.  
Mainly because I've never dated someone. Or you know, kissed someone. Actually there was Becky in 3rd grade who kicked me in the knee and then said she had to kiss me to make it better otherwise I might need to get it amputated. And, well, I wasn't going to argue with that logic. **

**So I guess that's no to ever being in love. But maybe I should be grateful, after all, no beginning means no end. What about you? Ever had your heart broken? Is this stream of conversation possible way too depressing? How do you feel about Snapple? My favourite flavour is Grapeade. It's voted 12th on ranker but 1st in my heart. (Just trying to lighten the mood).**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I wish I knew something about you that I could look out for.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Your drunk-time will come, my friend. Besides, in America you're still legally underage so don't feel like an outsider. Several people don't drink at your age, just the people that do tend to be louder about it. Tell you what, if we're both still kicking for your 21st, I'll treat you to your first beer. And then proceed to fund all my money into getting you astronomically wasted because that is something I need to see.

Don't try and escape the tree-lover title Evan, it'll just follow you around. "The forbidden forest fucker". I'll get it patented.

My relationships never work because I don't make them work. I'm a mess. I get obsessed with things and romanticise people and I take what I want and when I realise it doesn't make me happy, I go after something new. I have a hole inside me, that's just gasping for something. At one time I thought it was people. Then it became drugs. But it'll never be filled. The hole is a part of me, hell, it is me. I drain the people around me in attempts to fix myself. I just push and push for things that make me feel nothing because I desperately crave to feel anything. Sex never made me feel anything, Evan, that's why it never became a relationship. I wasn't invested in any of the people I was with. They weren't invested in me. Yeah, you could say it was exhausting, but it was a distraction from all this shit that was going on inside my head that I didn't want to address. I guess now I just feel like I don't need it. So I stopped. 

Funny thing is, now, when I'm bored or restless or angry or upset, I write to you. I have about 16 dozen letters in my drawer that are anything from just a sentence to an entire page. Hell, there's one in here that just asks "Do you own any furniture from Ikea?" and then a picture of a monkey?! I don't even remember writing half of them, but at least writing letters is less self-destructive than my other habits.  
And this isn't me saying that you're my new distraction. You're not. I know the difference between my romanticism's and real life. You are real and this is real. ~~I'm glad this is real.~~  I just feel like you deserve to know that this means something to me too.

Becky is definitely not allowed to take the title of your first kiss. It's too prestigious for a shit-bag like her. You want your first kiss to matter, to mean something. Mine was in 10th grade, during the middle of teenage angst. It was at my sister, Zoe's, birthday party. We had a big BBQ in the back garden over the summer and she wanted to play spin the bottle. I ended up getting a girl who I think may have been called Sophie? She was a 9th grader and best friends with my sister. Zoe didn't speak to me for 3 months after it all because Sophie said she was in love with me and couldn't be friends Zoe anymore because it "hurt her too much" to be reminded of me. I think that was the first time Zoe truly hated me... And I don't even remember what Sophie looked like. Don't kiss a Sophie, Evan. 

And finally, Pink Lemonade Snapple is my shit. 

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I have long brown curly hair. First to spot the other owes them a Snapple. I'll carry a Grapeade around with me in case.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**You should send me the letters that you never send me. I mean I think it'd abundantly clear by how many times I make self-deprecating statements that I literally do not have anything else in my life that means as much as our letters do. I don't know whether you should be pleased by that or just embarrassed on my behalf. I'd like to hear, well, see everything you want to say, even the crazy drawings of monkeys. Especially the crazy drawing of monkeys. **

**How's your week going? I think it'd make you happy to know that I got through a full day without tripping in front of people. Yeah, I know, crazy. But an accomplishment in itself and I suppose that's one of the only reasons today has been a good day. How tragic must my life be that not falling in public is my redemption?**

**There's no need to be mean about Becky, Connor. She was 8. I don't quite think it warrants being called a shit-bag, but who am I to judge? Now, Sophie? She's definitely a shit-bag. That was some next level manipulation on her part. I think Zoe should be glad that she got someone that toxic out of her life. I can only pity the fact that she stole your first kiss. I'll make mine count, for the both of us.**

**Murphy. On a serious note. I thought I knew you... And then you go and spout shit about pink lemonade Snapple!? Who even are you!? Some kind of tasteless monster!? (All of the interrobangs are entirely necessary before you go ahead and make a snarky comment.)**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I will not walk into a store and spend physical money on the crime juice that is pink lemonade Snapple. I have something called dignity. ~~I'll order some online for you~~. **

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

This week has been really fucking hard. I don’t know, maybe it’s the pollen. My dad has been on my ass for weeks about how I’m not reaching my full potential. School has been hounding me for never attending classes. I’m tired of taking pills so I can function like a normal human being and then it still not being good enough for people. My mom keeps giving me these weird looks over dinner like I’m going to take the butter knife and slit my wrists over the dining table with it? Bon Appétit.  
And my sister, Zoe, she just hates me so fucking much man, I don’t know how to stop disappointing her. How to stop disappointing them all.

You know this is the highlight of my day? Writing on a piece of shit paper to a goddamn stranger. The highlight of my week is your letters, it’s literally one of the only reasons I don’t drive myself off a cliff. Imagine opening the paper to “Local Whack Job kills himself, finally!” and seeing my face plastered all over. The worst part is that if you saw it in passing you wouldn’t even know it was me.  
  
Until you saw the name.

Can we address how fucked up it is that we were given each other’s full names? Like what the fuck is confidentiality anyway Dr Sherman? There’s nothing stopping you going around school with a megaphone and reading my letters out to everyone. Why haven’t you? What have I possibly done for you to trust me? ~~And why do I trust you more than anyone else in my life?~~

This is the most embarrassing shit I’ve ever wrote. I’m tired. I just want your next letter to arrive now.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I saw a tree with two branches and one of the branches was snapped in half, it made me think of you and your arm. Tree karma.

 

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I wish we could e-mail, or instant message, or anything that means that we don’t have to wait 3-5 working days to see how the other is doing. I don’t have a dad, well, I do. But he’s not around much. I know it’s selfish but I wish I had someone that cared about me like your dad clearly cares about you. You're kind of lucky.  
I understand though, my mom can be suffocating even when I haven’t seen her in 3 days? How does a woman manage that? **

**I remember you mentioning Zoe, is it weird that I think she’s in some of my classes at school? I sat next to a Zoe Murphy once in a bio class… I wonder if it was your sister...  
It’s weird that our lives are intertwined this way. I forget sometimes that there is a person attached to every page I receive and a part of me thinks we could’ve been great friends.  
Are we friends? I don’t have any real friends so you’re like, the closest option I have.  
Apart from Jared. ** **(Jared’s my mom’s friend’s son who is made to hang out with me.) He says that I’m weirdly attached to you and that you’re probably a paedophile trying to groom vulnerable twink gay guys. But Jared’s an asshole and I think that's his way of saying he's happy for me.**

**I would never read out our letters. Besides you’re always so cool. You talk about smoking pot and make superhero jokes and my letters are just streams of anxious consciousness and insecurities. I’m more impressed at the fact you haven’t outed me and then I feel like an asshole for even thinking that you might do that. Not like it’s a secret or anything. I’m not closeted. I just… Have no-one to tell. No-one who would actually care. And it’s not like I’m dating so that’s not exactly a concern.**

**I sometimes wonder what you look like. Aside from the long brown hair. I wonder what your idea of me is. I’d probably be a huge disappointment if we were to ever meet. Should we describe ourselves? Does it make it weirder? I was going to suggest sending pictures but how do you even print pictures out these days? There might be an app for it. I don’t know. Would you even want that? I’m probably getting ahead of myself.**

**I hope you’re doing better.**

**I wish I could make it better.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I saw a yellow broken fire hydrant gush water at a group of tourists that kept standing in the middle of the road for selfies. It made me think of you.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Well that was a fucking shit show! How embarrassing, let’s pretend that mental breakdown never happened! Burn all the evidence. Hell, I’m going to install a feature into all our letters that makes them self-destruct after 5 minutes. Better get faster at reading, Hansen.

All moms are suffocating; I think it’s one of the lessons in pre-natal classes. I can’t count the amount of times my mom has said that I couldn’t go for a walk or fucking ride a bike because I might DIE. I’m 17 and she still treats me like I’m an actual baby. She has the harness and everything.

It is kinda weird that you know my sister, I mean – go figure. Everyone knows Zoe. Everyone loves her. They all wonder how such a perfect student and friend is the sister to someone like me. We probably go to the same school you know; I wonder if I’ve ever passed you in the hallways… I still have the Grapeade in my bag.  
Knowing my reputation, you’d probably steer clear of me. I’m surprised you haven’t put two and two together yet and figured out who I am. I’ve basically provided everything but my social security number to you and you still want my permission to send pictures to each other. ~~You're adorable.~~

If your picture isn’t you in a tree then I’m not even going to reply. It’ll be the end of our friendship as you know it. (Yes, Hansen, ‘Friendship’.)

What the fuck, I would never out you!? Also I’m not a paedophile. But the outing thing is more important to me right now. Is this a legitimate concern of yours? That you think I'm capable of such a thing? Evan, I need you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you or go against you, okay? You mean too much to me.

I’m doing good, I hope you’re doing good too.

Also, I included a surprise gift in this letter. Don't enjoy yourself too much tree-fucker. 

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I’d totally piss on a group of tourists if the opportunity ever presented itself.


	4. Chapter 4

  **Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I refuse to not acknowledge you and your feelings. It’s not embarrassing to me at all. I’m grateful you trust me and I care about you. I always want to hear about how you’re doing. But if you want to pretend it never happened then we won’t talk about it again, but don’t let that stop you from coming to me in the future if you’re ever having a shitty time. We can have a shitty time together. After all… These letters are meant to encourage co-dependency like that.**

**I don’t think there is a single person you could be which would disappoint me. Except maybe Hitler. But I think we’re clear on that front…**

**I’m always going to respect your choice, if you don’t want me to know who you are then I’m not going to try and stalk you or something. I’m sorry for ever saying I thought you would out me, I don’t know, I guess I always assume the worst of people. Prepare from the worst and all that. I know that you wouldn’t do that to me and I believe that you wouldn’t but it just is hard to quiet the voices in my head that scream everything is going to end terribly.**

**Also, I put the polaroid on my bed post with a tac :-)** **Thank-you.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. You ~~pissing on tourists~~ make me happy.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Yeah, yeah, same to you and all that you big nerd.

How do you know I’m not Hitler? Or worse, Trump? Ever consider that, Hansen? Think of my tiny, orange hands clutching the pen to write to you with.

~~I’m desperate to know what you look like.~~

~~I bet you’re cute.~~

~~Show me yours, I’ll show you mine.~~

We don’t have to send photos of ourselves if you don’t want to, I’m cool with the whole anonymity thing. It adds a little mystery. ~~Kinda sexy.~~

Of course you put the polaroid on your bed, you dirty bastard. Bet it’s for easy access material isn’t it? Disgusting. This is the last straw. I’m kink shaming you.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Ditto

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I'M TRYING TO HAVE A NICE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION WITH YOU! Has anyone ever told you that you’re the worst?**

**I’m leaking to the news that Trump is a flaming bisexual and you and your tiny hands can’t stop me.**

**I have an opinion. And I’m going to share that opinion. And brace yourself, because you might get offended.**

**I feel like we are severely lacking in the “Ask your partner 3 questions for every letter” department. To make up for this I’m going to ask you 5. Yes. FIVE whole questions to answer at your leisure. This is not because I miss talking to you. Or because I want to know more about you. Gross. Disgusting. Wrong.**

  1. **What superpower would you choose?**
  2. **When did you last cry?**
  3. **What music do you listen to?**
  4. **What inscription do you want on your gravestone?**
  5. **Tell me something about your physical features that is unusual. That counts as a question. I make the rules.**



**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met?**

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

To be fair, that was your mistake not mine. I know better than to try and talk about ‘feelings’ with myself.

Sometimes I hope the CIA really do monitor our letters because that is a very strong threat against the president.

I don’t know why you want to ask me all these questions, are you not bored already? I’m still going to answer them but know that I’m very disgruntled.

  1. Telepathy, NEXT QUESTION.
  2. I cried at Logan, fight me.
  3. This question is too hard… I’m going to make you a mix CD.
  4. I don’t want any words, just a single sketch of a skeleton on a skateboard with no explanation.
  5. My nails are currently painted blue.



Your turn.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. As possible as it is to love them. 

* * *

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I'll never admit defeat. We're gonna talk about feelings aaaaaaall the time and you'll learn to love it.**

**You also can't steal my questions, that's so** **unimaginative** **. I thought you were better than this.**

**Also was it you that left a Grapeade Snapple outside my locker? I mean, it's cool if not. I'm not like, trying to be needy or whatever. I don't mean to come off as a stalker or a creep or something. I don't think your entire life revolves around me or whatever. Just you mentioned that you bought one for me and it seemed coincidental but now I'm writing it out I seem like a crazy person and I'm just jumping to conclusions and you'd never do something like that for someone like me, that's just weird. Why would you even think about me? You wouldn't. Obviously. Right.**

**This letter is probably a mistake.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I want to see your blue nails.**

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Fine!

Ugh! These letters are meant to be easy, you're actually making me work you sadist. I'm only doing 3 questions. That's the criteria and you're lucky I'm even meeting that. If this was school work then I would've written "Fuck You" on the sheet already. But I suppose I can make the effort for you.

  1. Describe your perfect man?
  2. What's you favourite kind of tree?
  3. If you had the ability to ask an all-knowing being the answer to the question you've always wanted to ask, what would be the perfect answer? (Yes, I stole that off Pottermore, sue me J.K. Rowling. I'll fight you for killing Sirius Black)
  4. Additional question that's not an additional question because I don't want to seem like I'm actually invested in this - What Hogwarts house are you?



Yes I left you the Grapeade you twit. Well, I actually asked Zoe to do it for me in exchange for a month of dishes.

~~I think about you all the time.~~

By the way, I made you a mix-tape. Well, mix-CD. Tapes are extinct and not nearly as romantic as the movies make them out to be. 

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I want to see you in a tree, we don't all get what we want.

* * *

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I'm grateful for your effort, was that so hard?**

  1. **Someone that makes me laugh. Someone that I trust. Someone that cares about the little things rather than grand gestures.**
  2. **Sycamore. Did you know it's considered the tree of protection? Is that totally nerdy?**
  3. **"Yes"**
  4. **Hufflepuff, ride or die.**



**Now I understand why you wanted me to answer my own questions, I'm deeply invested in what your answers would be. Especially the Hogwarts house, that could change everything about this dynamic. I say Gryffindor, don't leave me guessing.**

**I'll fight her with you on behalf of Remus Lupin.**

**I'm drinking the Snapple right now, part of me wants to leave a drop on the page as proof for you that I'm enjoying it but the other part of me thinks that's stupid and just wants to drink the damn thing. I'll leave you yours by the trashcan on the 3rd floor, outside the library.**

**I'll treasure the mix-CD always, I'm going to start working on one for you. It's going to be 48 minutes of Rick rolling.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. Maybe you're just not trying hard enough.**

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's play a game - What was the question Evan asked the all-knowing being? - we'll find out in the next chapter
> 
> also I guessed Gryffindor for Connor because of the following traits: self-righteousness, recklessness, eye for an eye, passionate, lack of restraint, wild emotions. But lemme know your headcannons. 
> 
> and FINALLY i made an actual playlist for the mix-CDs connor n evan made each other if you wanna give it a listen but it's purely self-indulgent: https://open.spotify.com/user/lovette.11/playlist/0P7RNvuhwSLmA0xq365LTi
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/lovette.11/playlist/73MCyjUcr47ycxh54QffLO


	5. Chapter 5

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

It’s scary how well you know me sometimes. Even something as simple as a Hogwarts house. (I also really want to know what your question to the all-knowing entity was, but I won’t ask you directly because I respect your right to secrecy).

Wanna know a secret of mine? Sometimes I worry I’m getting too attached to you, and you’re gonna realise I’m a piece of shit when I’m not hidden behind a piece of paper that I can edit and rewrite. I’ve rewritten this 4 times.

I’m terrified you’ll see how much better you are than me and find someone healthier to spend your time on. Someone that’s worth you.  Who isn’t fucked up in a million different ways.

I’m a real insecure mess when I smoke pot.

Little epiphanies are happening tonight.

~~I’m high and I miss you.~~

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I got your Snapple and it’s delicious.

 

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I’m assuming my guess of ‘Gryffindor’ was correct? Maybe my next career should be the Sorting Hat. I bet he didn’t have to go to college.**

**This friendship is the most important thing to me. You are the most important thing to me. I don’t think I would ever give something like this up, you’ll have to pry each letter I’ve saved from my cold dead hands. And I challenge you to it, because I plan to be buried with them, Murphy. (And if you ever asked me, I’d give you an honest answer.)**

**You think I don’t have doubts about where I stand? I always think you’re going to get tired of me, like everyone does. I’m going to say the wrong thing. Or make a joke that’s already a month old. Or try too hard to fit in. Or get too needy or too anxious and it’ll be the last straw and you’ll walk away.**

**But then I get your letter each week and I realised something. An epiphany if you will.**

**You, Connor Murphy, are my best friend.**

**~~I’m sober and I miss you all the time.~~ **

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I wish I could’ve given it to you in person.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Who would’ve thought that the thing to make Connor Murphy quit drugs would’ve been the fact he gets mushy as shit when he gets high. I can’t be dealing with the aftermath of the letters when sober, I’m regretting every life decision I made.

I’m glad I have you.

Blah. Just awful. It’s taking all my self-restraint to not cross that out I hope you know.

This doesn’t come naturally to me. I can’t remember the last time I actually cared about something or somebody. It’s like I just want to protect you from oncoming traffic or, like, big eagles. It’s weird and I’m uncomfortable.

But I do care about you, Evan Hansen, a lot. Even if you are a giant nerd.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I’m scared that if we ever met, it’d ruin everything.

 

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Today, the funniest thing happened, a certain Zoe Murphy came up to me and asked me to her house for dinner. Any idea why she might’ve made that invitation?**

**Look, I know we speak about meeting or seeing each other but in your last letter you said you were scared of it ruining things. Do you want this? I told her I wanted to wait a while before accepting because I need us to be on the same page.**

**I’m terrified that the first time we meet, it’s going to be over a dinner table with your entire family. I mean, I have social anxiety and a strange house with 4 strange people is basically my worst nightmare.**

**I didn’t mean to call your family strange. Fuck. I just meant strange to me. Not because they’re super weird. I’m sure they’re lovely people. I just meant strangers. People I’ve never met before. You know the definition of strangers, why am I explaining this to you?**

**Anyway, don’t take this letter as me declining to meet you. If you want me there, I’ll be there.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. This could end in disaster.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

SHE DID WHAT?!

THE BITCH.

I’m going to tear her head off her shrimp body.

Evan, I would never do that to you, do you think I’m actually insane?! (Okay I am but Dr Sherman said that word has negative connotations blah blah blah..)

I didn’t even know my family had dinner together?

As for the fact she approached you in school, I’m so pissed off at her! She doesn’t even fucking know you and all of a sudden she thinks he can just talk to you like old friends? You’re my friend, not hers! Why is she doing this? The fuck?!

Evan, I don’t want us to meet like that at all. I had it all planned. I wanted to meet somewhere you were familiar with. Maybe the park? Or we could go to the orchard, have you ever been there? It’s nice. Lots of trees, I think you’d like it. When the weather gets nicer.

Tell Zoe to fuck off, and if you’re not comfortable with that then tell her to heck off.

I’m going to be having loud words with her. Of the screaming variety.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Don’t ever do things you are uncomfortable with for my sake. Thank you for speaking to me first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please notify me of spelling errors, this work is un-beta'd (i don't even know what a beta is)


	6. Chapter 6

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Please don't hurt your sister, she's actually very nice. She even told me about how when you go for showers you'll put your hair in space buns and I don't think I've ever been as happy as I was with that mental image in my brain. She tried to get me to make a snapchat account so she could show me, but I respectfully declined. I'm going to wait it out until I can see the real deal.**

**~~Also you're starting to maybe sound a teensy bit jealous there, Murphy.~~ **

**It makes me happy to think you're as excited to meet me as I am to meet you. I considered taking you to my favourite place in town but I don't think Joe's Noodle Bar is great place for a first-meet. Although Joe probably wouldn't give me discount if he knew I actually have friends and his place is a bargain so I really don't want to ruin that business realtionship. ~~I'd probably risk it for you though.~~**

**I've never been to the Orchard. I'd like to go. If the offer ever presented itself...**

**I'm not going to tell your sister to fuck off, in fact, I might even take up her offer of seating together during Geography. She said something about baby pictures in an attic?...**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I've decided you should wear space buns all the time now.**

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Everyone likes my sister more than me, I should've anticipated this happening... I'm not even surprised she told you that, I'm more surprised at the fact it hasn't already spread round the school twice over. I'll tell you a secret Hansen - I can also do a french braid so suck my ass.

~~Of course I'm jealous.~~

You sound like an idiot every time you think that I don't reciprocate you feelings, this friendship is the only thing I have. Literally. Things are getting better every day and it's because of you. Don't be such a self-conscious dumbass. And if you don't take me to Joe's Noodle Bar then I wouldn't be offended, I understand the importance of buisness-relationships. You see, I personally have an agreement with the guy that runs the corner store. He sells me alcohol and I don't tell his wife that he's banging our neighbour. We're like kindred spirits, you and I.

If you wanted, I'd take you there. This is the opportunity, presenting itself, take it.

NO BABY PICTURES. 

I SWEAR TO GOD EVAN. 

I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I've decided I'm going bald.

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Oh my god you're making this harder and harder for me, you can't just tell me you braid your hair and NOT expect me to scour the internet for photos. FYI you're like a ghost, there's nothing on you. I almost let Zoe have her way with snapchat, you're just lucky I have incredible self control. Although she did say that she was wearing your handiwork on her head on Wednesday and I gotta say, impressive.**

**Okay, me getting discount from a guy that runs a noddle store because he feels sorry for me is not at all like you blackmailing your criminal corner store cashier. That's, like, the complete opposite of each other.**

**Also stop being so casual when we talk about meeting each other, I need you to freak out with me. You can't be all cool and collected like "Hey bro, I'll pick you up in my chevvy 'cos I have a licence 'cos I don't cry during my driving lessons and passed the test first time." This is a huge deal! Yes obviously I want to go. What will the weather be like? What should I wear? What if I get sweaty? What if I don't have enough money then I look like I'm mooching off you? What if I trip? Should I wear hiking boots? Is it up hill? What's the incline? Will I need an inhaler? I don't even have asthma!**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. You were an adorable toddler.**

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Pretty soon I'll be all over the news because I am going to kill my sister for telling you that. Next time she asks me to do her hair I'll make it into a noose.

It's inevitable now that we're going to meet, maybe we should just bite the bullet. At least this way it's on our terms right?? My car is definitely not cool, I use my mom's Mini because she's decided she's really into renewable energy at the moment and wants to use an electric bike everywhere she goes. Trust me a 6"2 18 year old emo-looking male does not look cool, hunched in a racing red Mini Cooper. I've tried and it's impossible.

The weather will be sunny, probably, Bring a jacket in case and you can leave it in the car if it's hot. We can go this Saturday and I'll pick you up from your house, or if you're uncomfortable with knowing where I live I can pick you up from outside school. If you sweat, I'll pretend not to notice. We won't pay for anything, it's an abandoned orchard Evan. Maybe bring money if you wanna get food on the way back but it's not a requirement of this trip, jeez it's like I'm planning a class visit to the Smithsonian. If you trip then I'll trip too and we can pretend it was intentional and we just really enjoy the view from an ant's perspective. Stop panicking, we don't have to do this, you can back out any time you want. I just thought maybe you'd like the trees. Cos you know, you're such an expert after that internship.

I really look forward to meeting you. I know it seems like I'm taking this lightly but this is a huge deal to me too.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Burn those pictures.

* * *

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Don't murder your family, because then you have to do jail time, and that puts a real downer on things. I finally plucked up the courage to tell my mom about you. Think she's happy that I'm talking to a guy that isn't Jared or Joe the Noodle Guy. She was happy and then thought you were a catfish and then was happy for me again. It was a bit of a roller-coaster but I made it out unscathed. You'll be pleased to hear.**

**Thank-you for that. I know it's annoying that I overreact. And I know I can be needy and it really means a lot to me that you're being so patient with me. I'm trying my best. I just don't want to mess this up. This is the real deal, once we do this then there's no going back and it kind of freaks me out. What if you hate every second of it?**

**I've never done this sort of thing before.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I framed that picture for beside my bed, I'm not sure my mom's impressed.**

* * *

> "Oh my god, what is this?" Jared heckled in the middle of the school corridor, Evan fought across his arms with a grunt. "Is this some sort of weird sex thing? Oh my god! Dear Connor Murphy?! You're sending sex letters to the school psycho? Evan, you dog!" Jared slapped Evan on the arm with what Evan thought was slightly more force than necessary.
> 
> "No, Jared, please. If you cou- If you could just give that- Give that back-" Evan flew his arms over Jared's back trying to reach the piece of paper that his family-friend now read aloud to the school body.
> 
> "'I don't want to mess this up' This is totally a sex letter. 'What if you hate every second of it?' This has virgin written all over it!" Jared threw his head back laughing waving the paper in the air. "I can't believe you even framed his nudes dude, that's a whole other level. Did he pose with a gun next to his penis? He kind of has that school-shooter vibe." 
> 
> "Stop that, it's not funny!" Evan huffed making one last attempt for the letter, flailing at the last moment. Jared swung around with a grin.
> 
> "It's kind of funny," Jared smirked, Evan just glared at him harder from under his eyebrows. "Don't worry compadre, this letter remains between me, you, oh and all these witnesses. My bad." Jared slapped the letter back in to Evan's chest and Evan knew it wasn't just his paranoia noticing the whispers increasing after their encounter.
> 
> The bell rung loudly and amongst the shuffle of students Evan managed to shove the letter in between the locker vent as usual and keep his head down; trying not to think about the fact he was going to be the centre of the school gossip and ignoring his heart palpitations. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a personal headcanon that connor once sent 400 one worded letters to evan, who when he received them sent 3 days ordering them to realise it was the lyrics to 'never gonna give you up'.. also because this is my story it's actually canon and 100% confirmed


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Evan Hansen,

I've been thinking a lot recently about love letters, the real kind. And how terrible it is that nobody’s writing them any more. 

I've also been thinking about how hot Alex Pettyfer is. Are the two related, who knows? (The answer is yes.)

But in this train of thought, I decided that I would send you all the letters I've ever written and not sent. This is kind of like when a YouTuber does a TMI tag except it's jut a sad, lonely, bisexual during a depressive episode struggling to come up with something to say ~~to the boy he lo~~ to his best friend.

You always say you'd like to read them if you were given the opportunity. 

So here it is.

In it's glory.

I hope you're doing well. 

Sincerely,

Me. 

P.S. Feel free to give this letter a like and don't forget to subscribe. Actually, feel free to punch me if I ever become a YouTuber.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I've compiled a list of all the reasons I don't trust couscous and it goes as follows:




* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Hey, you're a nerd about trees right? Great. So if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

What to say to you? You have my eyes, you have your mother's smile, when you came into the world you cried and it broke my hea-

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

How do you think people would draw you in an anime? I imagine I'd have the slow-mo hair flip scene where I wink and hearts float around me.

I hope they get my curls right.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Who's your favourite member of One Direction? I like that Harry dude, he's got mad skills. Did I just say mad skills?

I cried earlier to Meet Me In The Hallway, don't tell Zoe or I'll never hear the end of it.

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Do you ever have reoccurring dreams? I have this one that I've had since I was, like I don't know, eight? And there's this little goblin who eats my feet. And at first it's like a nice little pedi, and then it gets to the ankle and it just gets higher and higher and bigger and bigger, like some sort of Pac-Man/Gollum crossbreed. Then when the last thing is left, my two eyeballs, he pops them back into his head, looks down at his body and it's me and I'm back in bed with a goblin at my feet.

It's fucked up bro. I'm gonna Google this shit.

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Do you think I'd make a good real house wife?

I don't fuck with Tamra.

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Sometimes I worry that people wouldn't even noticed if I disappeared. The only reason people even know my name in the school is because i'm the psycho that tried to kill himself. What if that's all I'll ever be to anyone?

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today I walked 5 miles to get a birthday cake milkshake from T.G.I. Friday's and I ended up being sung to by the entire restaurant. I want to emphasis that I was alone and it was 3pm on a Tuesday so it mainly consisted of 3 broke college grads, a children's party and this slightly terrifying biker with a leather eye patch. 

It's actually not the weirdest thing to happen to me in a TGIs.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

It's raining. Water, not men, so I'm not interested.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

How do you brush your teeth? In circular motions or side to side? I think there's a BuzzFeed quiz on what it says about you.

If there's not, I'm gonna write one.

Hint: There's a joke about Ariana Grander in this letter somewhere but I'm too high to try. Draw your own conclusions. 

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

I saw Target was selling ceramic dinosaur cookie jars so I bought 5. Do you want one? I'm going to make Zoe deliver one to you in school. Would that be weird? Do you even like cookies? What's your favourite cookie? 

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Do you believe in soulmates?

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I'm having a day where I can't motivate myself to get out of bed.

Nothing seems worth it.

I'm sorry if I disappoint you.

I'm sorry if I'm not who you want me to be.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

Do you remember when crackalackin was a thing? Let's bring that back.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

What does your bedroom look like? I imagine it a lot. Not in a creepy way. I just think it tells you about a person's personality the way they use their space. Mine is currently under levels of clothes and dirt, it's like watching sedimentary rock form in front of my eyes. I should probably clean.

Any way I imagine your room to be blue, and probably lame. I bet you have textbooks and a desk. God, what a nerd.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I hope you're having a good day.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Who do you think killed Jonbenet? I think it was her brother, 9 year old boys are terrifying.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

What's your favourite meal? One day I'm going to take you out to dinner. But also if has to be off the T.G.I. Friday's menu. I am only willing to eat there, for the birthday cake milkshake, and I wanna be with you the first time you try it. It's glorious. 

A magical experience. Almost better than Pink Lemonade Snapple. Yeah, I said it.

I just wanna do things with you all the time. 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a filler cos it's exam season and i'm soooo outta my depth. the letters will pick up from chapter 7 in chapter 8 so you won't miss anything if u skip this out lmao
> 
> the love letter quote at the beginning is from Beastly it ends - "I’m going to write to you everyday, for a long, long time. Because I think I might be in danger of falling in love with you."


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Evan Hansen,

So word on the street is that we’re currently going at it like bunnies in the school cubicles. I’d like to have been notified in this change in our relationship, give me a chance to I don’t know, do whatever it is you do before contracting several different diseases for fucking in a public restroom.

I’d ask how the rumour came out but I’m honestly not even bothered by it, I’m just worried about how you’re doing? I know it feels like this is moving from 10 to 100 after all we only just agreed to physically meet in persona ad the school is already on our backs so. This is me. Checking in. On how you are.

In a cool totally bro way.

Also if you’re still cool with Saturday I’ll pick you up at 12, noon, outside the school like I said before. You still have chance to cancel though. No pressure.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. It’s weird that we hang outside of each other’s lockers sending our letters and have yet to run into each other in literally 4 months. The school isn’t even that small? Worried you’re actually the ghost of a dead guy and I’m making this all up.

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**That may be my fault. I mean- Not directly my fault but mostly my fault. A little bit Jared’s fault too though. like probably 60:40. Maybe 20:80 because all I did was write the letter and he was the one who read it out to the entire school. But I should’ve been more cautious.**

**It was stupid of me to presume I was completely invisible. Like you’ve said, I do this every day, I wasn’t aware people were starting to pick up on the habit, I suppose maybe it does look weird that I push things through locker vents and hide bottles of Snapple across the school campus.**

**Fuck, my anxiety tells me that everyone notices everything and somehow I managed to drop my guard. It was a stupid mistake and now you’re gonna hate me because this is all my fault.**

**Today a girl I don’t even know the name of started asking me if it was true that we fucked in the school counsellor’s office because it seems to be the only place we both go. How messed up is that? I can’t even visit them now without feeling like everyone is waiting for the aftermath of our ‘hook-up’ which is ridiculous because you would’ve thought that they’d actually see us in one place together to draw that conclusion but apparently now.**

**I want to meet you. I really do. But I’m just feeling a lot of pressure right now and, it’s nothing to do with you- in fact you’re the only person keeping me from spiralling right now but, I think I need a moment of peace before we meet.**

**I’ve been trying to think of a way to get this letter to you without it going through the entire school so forgive me that I made your sister my personal mailman. I trust her, and despite what you say about her, I know she wouldn’t actually hurt you. Or me.**

**Sincerely,**

**You’re most and dearest friend. Still, I hope.**

**Me.**

**P.S. I'm not a ghost. Ghosts can't hold pens... Probably.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I blame Jared 100. Fuck the 60:40 or 20:80. He’s a dick and I’ll punch him for you. I don’t want you to feel afraid of sending me letters. This was our sanctuary. Our safe place. I don’t want one dumb encounter to ruin what we built together.

It sounds stupid, and we say it all the time, but I really need this and I don’t know what I’d do if you gave up on this. I don’t even care if you never want to see my face. Personally, I wouldn’t blame you but please can we at least keep the letter thing going.

I would even sacrifice the locker delivery and we could go back to sending our letters through the ever-old-reliable U.S. postal system if it meant you were happy. FYI I could never and will never hate you Evan Hansen, don’t be such a dumbass.

It sucks that this is the repercussions of something that was innocent and pure, if it was my letter I’d kinda understand why people thought I was sending weird creepy love letters to you because my letters are an actual state of insanity. I want to hurt everyone that even breathes in your vicinity, I’m sorry you can’t see the counsellor but if it helps she’s absolutely useless anyway. (When I told her I was going to kill myself she said I had to self-refer over the phone to a therapist and wait to receive a letter in the post confirming an appointment)

I’ll see you when I see you and not a moment sooner, whenever you decide the time is right for you I’ll be here. I’m not going to push this, I get that you need time and I respect that. Just let me know.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I’ve officially dubbed Zoe to be our carrier pigeon until we come up with a better solution.

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Things are dying down a bit more at school. Now all people can talk about it the black paint bomb that happened to explode out of Jared’s locker this morning. Mysterious. I wonder who was the culprit of that refined prank.**

**Thank you, by the way, f** **or being so cool and chill. I know my last letter was kind of all over the place. I know that I’m a bit all over the place too. You’re so patient and I’m so grateful for that. I just want you to know that I value you over everything.**

**And for being the greatest friend a guy could ask for, you don’t have to fight my battles. Honestly if anyone found out about the paint bomb and the culprit happened to get reprimanded- Well, let’s just say I apologise if something were to ever happen to you because of something you did for me.**

**There’s a lot I have to be thankful for but most importantly, thank you for respecting my boundaries and being a cool bro when things are tough for me. This friendship thing isn’t exactly a natural situation for either of us, I’m a little out of my depth but I’m happy that we’re together in this.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I’m not sure she likes her new position, I tried giving her some seeds and she was unimpressed. Nerds candy work a lot better for bribery in case you’re lacking.**

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Through no fault of my own and in no correlation to previous incidents mentioned, I have found myself seemingly suspended for 3 days. Peculiar, right?

However this spontaneous holiday has offered me may opportunities to do what I’ve always wanted to do in life. Which is obviously learn Norwegian. I think after one day, I’m getting pretty suave if I say so myself. I think I could be fluent when all this over. Don’t you think it just looks sexy?   _Jeg elsker en gutt._ Trust me, it sounds even better out loud. ~~I have a very talented tongue.~~  

I think I’m going a bit stir crazy in the house on my own for longer than 4 hours. Cynthia’s here but she doesn’t count because she just wanders around with soulless eyes are she tries jazzercize and baking.

What would you do if you were suspended? It can’t be tree related, I forbid it.

I hope you’re doing okay. It’s getting better every day. Repeat it to yourself like a mantra. Maybe one day it’ll be true.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I’ve just been giving her my weed, but you know, maybe stick with the Nerd theory.

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I missed you. I mean, I know we don’t see each other or encounter each other at school but I feel like I felt the loss of your presence… Is that dumb? That’s super dumb right? Like actually lame. Oh my god what am I writing? What am I doing?**

**People have stopped bothering me now that you’re off, which seems to be one of the only perks to your absence, to be honest I’d put up with the stares and the giggling straight girls that are just DYING at our Romeo-and-Romeo forbidden love. The fact that I could be getting multiple letters and random doodles in a day kind of makes it all worth it. I’ve forgotten how it was back at the start when it was just us and 3 questions per letter. Why am I being so nostalgic?**

**I think if I was suspended I’d learn ASL, so I suppose we’re not that different. Only the fact that yours will be literally no use to you ever in life. But hey, if I ever visit Norway I’ll know who to call when I try and order a coffee. I don’t know what you said in the letter but I’m sure I’m not far off. After all, you’re the Norwegian expert.**

**I also would probably learn to unicycle, if it didn’t come with so many hazards. I got one for Christmas years ago and never really took it out because I was afraid I’d hurt myself. Only to end up falling out a tree and breaking my arm. Irony. Was that tree related? I don’t think so, things with me tend to usually circle back to trees anyway so I feel like we might encounter a problem here.**

**Write me letters for when you return, I want it to be like confetti in my locker on the day you’re back so I know you’ve arrived. I’m tired of hiding what we do. People stare anyway, we might as well get something positive out of it.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I miss you and I want you to return to school. Remember what we said about co-dependency all those months back? I’m starting to think you might not be far off.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeg elsker en gutt translates to 'i love a boy', but NOT LIKE ITS VITAL INFORMATION HEY EVAN


	9. Chapter 9

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**It’s my birthday on Thursday and my mom keeps going on and on about me throwing a party, I think she is trying the whole ‘Flooding’ theory where she just put me in really uncomfortable situations and see whether I can sink or swim. She says I should invite you and Zoe, and maybe Jared and Alana. If they’d even come. Who am I kidding? Who has birthday parties nowadays anyway?! Everybody will just think it’s lame and then there’s the whole cake presentation, which is kinda cult-like… Name a scenario where it’s natural to light burning sticks while singing that doesn’t involve demons.**

**Anyways, I’m stressing out and it’s making me sick and sometimes I wish I’d never been born because then I wouldn’t have to have a birthday.**

**It bothers mom more than it bothers me, I’d be happy with Mario Kart and tacos but she gets this sad look on her face like she’s responsible for every death of a puppy in the U.S. when I say that. Eventually I stopped suggesting it.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. When’s you birthday?**

* * *

Dear Evan Hansen,

Dude! Way to drop a bombshell! It’s your birthday this week?! I’m so gonna make a big deal man! This is huge and I’m into it! I love birthdays, they’re my shit. I mean, in theory, I only ever went to one birthday party and it was laser tag and I shot everyone and they said I ruined the night because they only invited me because it was the school rule to invite everyone in the class. I don’t care, I came to win.

So I’m gonna get you a present. I’m already picturing it. It’s gonna be amazing and you’re gonna love it.

 I’ll give it to Zoe because it’s fragile but don’t worry I won’t tell her it’s your birthday, she’ll just think it’s another weird ‘Secret Admirer’ gift again like the Snapple. I have this all planned out. Should I wrap it up? Logistics of that are pretty difficult.. Maybe a bow? Oh my god shall I attach a balloon? No that’d be too obvious in the halls. Oh man I wanna get you a balloon so bad. You’d be so cute.

If you wanted me to come to a party, you know I would. But I know you don’t really want that so how about you just say we’re celebrating in school and throwing you a picnic in the park? Reckon you could lie to your mom, mama’s boy?? I’ll even bring it up to my parents to help the operation.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. April 1st, because apparently even my life is a joke.

 

* * *

 

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**Oh my god I didn’t tell you so that’d you’d make a big deal. Please don’t think I’m attention seeking. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GET ME A GIFT IF I HAVEN’T GOTTEN YOU ONE FIRST. This brings a whole multitude of problems. What’s your budget? Is it a gag gift or sentimental? I need to prepare for your next birthday. I don’t care that it’s 8 months away, I’m gonna look online right Now.**

**I’d totally play laser tag with you, I wouldn't even hold back. I’d battle you to the death, Murphy.**

**Zoe thinks we’re secret admirer’s? Surely she of all people should know that that isn’t the case, I mean she knows all about your therapy right? I mean, not tht I care or anything. I mean obviously I care what people think. Not on purpose, I can’t really turn it on and off. But I mean… In general. Ah, fuck.**

**Thank-you for doing this all for me. It means a lot. I can’t wait til Thursday :-)**

**Sincerely,**

**The Birthday Boy.**

**P.S. I wish we could have a real picnic in the park. Trees are lovely this time of year.**

* * *

Dear BIRTHDAY BOY! [INSERT CONFETTI HERE]

If you opened the envelope correctly then the annotation should be correct, if not. Then you ruined everything and you need to do it again until you’re covered in the stuff. And I mean COVERED, Hansen, I want that shit in your asscrack for weeks.

I hope you have an amazing day! I’m so glad you were born!! Yay! I know you don’t want a big shindig but I wanna make a big deal outta you. If I don’t get to see you on your birthday then I gotta suffice with a soppy as shit letter. And boy this is gonna get soppy! I even provided tissues (check the envelope – though they might also contain confetti).

I’m so grateful that we became penpals, Even, I know we say this to each other all the time. But you truly are my best and most dearest friend and I could never replace you or even begin to think of survival without you. For me I’m at my best with you. Days are easier, life is easier. And nicer. I find myself thinking less and less about all the demons in my brain and instead I’m, like, looking at trees and shit to see whether I recognise any from the pictures you show me.  
You’ve turned my life around and I only wish that I’ve had a quarter of the impact on your life as you have had on mine because everything I do is because of you. You make me wanna be a better version of me instead of someone new like everyone else seems to. You see parts of me I’ve vowed to keep hidden. I don’t know whether it’s for better or worse but you accept me regardless.

I hope you have the day you deserve, surrounded by people who you love and who love you.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. One day we will, I’ll provide the Snapple.

* * *

**DEAR CONNOR MURPHY**

**YOU LITTLE SHIT.**

**I’m weeping in the bathroom right now because that was the best thing I have ever received in all my 18 years. And I once received an Xbox!**

**Holy fuck, I’m 18. This is crazy. I don’t know what to do with myself. I know I said I didn’t celebrate but having you this year makes it seem so much more momentous.**

**Thank-you for the bonsai tree by the way. She is beautiful and I’m calling her Diana after Wonder Woman because she’s gonna grow and be strong and independent and badass and I love her so much. Am I personifying a tree? You bet your ass I am.**

**I literally skipped first class taking her home because I needed to ensure her safety and I don’t trust Jared not to be an asshole about her. She’s my new child.**

**Also you were totally right, Zoe definitely thinks we’re star-crossed lovers. She said I could use the tree to decorate my balcony… I guess that makes you Romeo.**

**I love- the letter you wrote me. More than anything. I can’t describe how lucky I feel right now, you really have made this my best birthday ever. I only hope I can do the same. I’ll save all the mushy stuff for then. But know that you have 100% changed my life.**

**It’s times like these where I hate my anxiety getting in my head because all I wanna do is just give you the biggest hug in the world. The kind where you don’t let go. ~~I don’t want to lose you.~~**

**Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. Thank-you again. And again. And again for infinity.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this is set in october, because i want even to be a libra mostly. but timelines are scew-wif and writing is harrrrrrd. feel free to give me your headcanons of star signs for the gang.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I FUCKED UP AND SWITCHED THE BOLD N UNBOLD THAT SHOULD BE EVAN N CONNOR RESPECTIVELY BUT NOW I’M ON MY PHONE N CANT FIX IT SO APOLOGIES FOR ANY CONFUSION CAUSED

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**I approve your name for Diana, she was the best of the bunch and it took me 2 hours to pick her out. It was hard to let her go but I know it was worth it. I really feel like we Bon-ded haha, get it, Bonsai tree. Bonded. Fuck you I’m funny.**

**I didn’t mean to make you cry oh my god! This was meant to be a nice surprise Evan! If I’ve ruined your birthday, I’ll off myself right fucking now. I’m just assuming I haven’t because of the 6 thank-yous I received. Way to boost a guy’s ego. Better be careful I don’t develop a complex.**

**Well it makes sense that you’d be Juliet, Romeo likens her to the sun and you are an actual ball of sunshine. Lighting up my life. Is this getting Too Weird? I don’t know an awful much about Shakspeare, only the parts where he makes dick jokes because I wrote an entire essay on it in 6 th grade. Mrs Hodson was not impressed.**

**Listen, you know that I will never rush you okay? You don’t have to feel guilty for feeling like you can’t manage something. I’m the same, this shit is overwhelming but the more we put it off then the bigger it gets. Let’s just take things a day at a time. Don’t feel like once we meet it’s then gonna be just us every day constantly, if we meet and it goes well then that’s great but it doesn’t mean our letters have to stop or that I’m suddenly gonna start suffocating you with my presence. You’re in 100% control.**

**You’re welcome.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

* * *

 

> Evan bounced his foot under the desk, tapping at the words in front of him. Was he being inconsiderate? Did he really deserve any of the nice things Connor said to him. The incessant chatter around him was beginning to drive him nuts, he knew he was grinding his teeth but at least it gave him some vague charade of focus. He knew he should be paying attention to the class. He could hear the white noise of the teacher’s dull PowerPoint and he knew he should be attempting to make some sort of notes but he just kept running the words of Connor’s letter through his head. Watching the ink expand on the page as though they were screaming at him.
> 
> Suddenly there was silence and Evan looked up to see the doorway was now filled with the presence of a student. He was attractive, Evan pretended that wasn’t his first thought as he saw the boy tuck a strand of hair behind his ear with a scowl.
> 
> “Connor Murphy,” sirens began wailing in Evan’s head and his pulse rate spiked, his mouth was dry the moment the name slipped out of Mrs Hodson’s mouth. “What can we do for you?” She gave him a lizard grin, it was clear she was not a fan. Evan chuckled reminiscing over Connor telling him about his dick essay. Connor’s blue eyes dove straight to him at the noise, Evan coughed knowing from the heat in his face that he was turning red. Stupid. Drawing attention to himself.
> 
> “My sister has my house keys. I was told I’d find her in this class.” Connor mumbled in a bored tone, his gaze was now on Zoe in the back who rolled her eyes and began rummaging through her bag. Connor’s long legs carried him past the desks, Evan pretending to ignore him once his back was turned. He was magnetising and Evan was royally fucked.
> 
> He watched as Zoe proudly presented Connor with a large pink pompom attached to a single key painted with butterflies. The siblings seemed to have a silent conversation between them, the only indication of their interaction was the subtle changes in Zoe’s expression. She smirked and raised her eyebrows challenging him. Evan admired her in that moment and grinned, when her eyes flittered to him she grinned back, Connor looking between them with a frown. She winked at Evan and focused back on her brother.
> 
> “Anything else you need?” Mrs Hodson interrupted. Connor stomped on Zoe’s foot under the table and shook his head. Evan followed his every footstep until he was out the door.
> 
> He could feel Zoe’s gaze on him but he couldn’t seem to move his eyes from the doorway Connor had once resigned in.

* * *

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

Well we could have joint custody of Diana, I’d obviously be her primary carer but it’d feel cruel to take her away from you after you gave her this new life. Maybe you can have weekends and holidays? Or I’ll just send you pictures of her every month like when you sponsor a whale.

They were happy tears don’t worry! I cry a lot anyway. In a cool macho way. You are definitely worthy of an ego-boost after the effort you put in for me. I’m not gonna lie I doubt I can top it so prepare for disappointment come April 1st.

I was in a class with Mrs Hodson today, the idea of you submitting an essay about Shakespeare’s dick made me physically laugh out loud. I got a lot of weird looks for that one. I don’t regret a thing, I only wish I could read it. How much could a 12 year old have to say about dicks? Do I want to know?

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I debated for 40 minutes whether to include that bit about Mrs Hodson’s class. I hope I don’t let you down.

* * *

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Holy shit you’re cute! I knew Zoe was trying to suggest something the way she kept wiggling her eyebrows at you but I just thought she was trying to rile me up because she knows I’m into blondes. Not exactly the prime spot for her to be my wingwoman but I’ll take it. I know I should address other things in the letter first but honestly I can’t bring myself to because I’m so distracted by the fact that you fucking saw me and I didn’t get to make a good impression.**

**Part of me wants to kick and scream about it because I would’ve made an effort if I knew wer were going to see each other and the other part of me is just glad we got it over with without the initial weird “which one in the crowd is you?” and introducing ourselves to anyone that moves.**

**If it was me that you thought was giving you weird looks after you chuckled then you’re damn fucking right because that sound was like one of those things you hear in a Tinkerbell movie. I feel like I have it on replay in my head and I just wanna hear it again. (I’m proud of the fact it was me to cause it, even if I didn’t know it at the time).**

**So I can’t help but ask… Where does this leave us? I’m always going to write you letters, obviously, but are you reconsidering maybe possibly meeting me?**

**No pressure. I meant what I said before. If this is too much we can take a break until you’re back in the right headspace.**

**Sincerely,**

**Me.**

**P.S. I’ve put the dick essay in your locker too, good luck finding it.**

* * *

Dear Connor Murphy,

No you’re right. This definitely changed everything to me. I mean, you’re like, super attr- cool and stuff. I’m all pale and weird and won’t you be embarrassed to be seen with me? I’m not exactly gonna get a feature page in the yearbook. I think your hair alone should get 3 pages dedicated to it.

I have so many things in my head I’ve even fucking compiled a pros and cons list of meeting you. Right now it looks something like this:

Pros

  * Super hot
  * Super nice
  * Already knows everything about me



Cons

  * Super hot
  * Super nice
  * Already knows everything about me
  * Will probably vomit in front of him



So you know, baby steps.

I’m just worried that now you know me you’re gonna back out. It’s starting to get real and I’m scared because you’re all I have. ~~And all I want~~. Just for once in my life I want to be able to take this risk. But you matter to me. ~~~~

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. You look good in black.

* * *

 

> Even was struggling to hold his books while pushing the letter he had in his hand through the vents of the locker when a hand reached out and blue painted nails gripped the paper. Evan already knew who they belonged to.
> 
> “Sorry I thought I’d just cut out the middle man.” Connor murmured softly in the empty corridor, putting the code into his locker and withdrawing a textbook. Evan studied his facial features slowly, his eyes resting on the lips that had begun moving again
> 
> “Sorry, w-what was that?” Evan blinked rapidly trying to bring himself to focus on Connor’s face, but they drew themselves back to the small pink smile that was growing.
> 
> “I said would you prefer it if I left.” Connor laughed, shutting himself up by biting his bottom lip which Evan really didn’t need right now. He scratched his head and stuttered.
> 
> “N-No. No. No. Er- You don’t need to leave. This is your locker, why would I make you leave? Really I should be the one to leave? My locker is over there.” Evan flung his arm out to a random area of wall that definitely was not his locker and quickly folded his arms. Not making that mistake again. “I don’t know why I pointed over there, there’s not even lockers there, that’s not even remotely close to where my locker is. I don’t know why I’m telling you this as you know where my locker is, Obviously, you’re the one who delivers letters there.”
> 
> “I do.” Connor nodded, still grinning with his lip between his teeth, his cheeks were glowing and a dimple was indented in his cheek.
> 
> “You have dimples.” Evan muttered. Shaking himself when he suddenly realised he had said that out loud.
> 
> “You have freckles.” Connor said bringing his fingers up slowly to Evan’s nose, he paused asking a silently question. Evan gulped in response as the cold digits danced across his cheekbones.
> 
> “I do.” Evan whispered, suddenly afraid of how loud his voice sounded in the silent hallway. Connor brought his hand down and Evan found himself suddenly missing the contact.
> 
> “Cool. So err-“ Connor looked around, squinting at the clock. “Are you doing anything right now or?” He left the question open. Watching Evan’s face carefully. Evan tried to analyse what the situation between them was but kept getting distracted by Connor’s eyes.
> 
> “Yes. I mean, no. I’m not doing anything. But I’d be open to- To you know, doing something. If that was an offer. In case it wasn’t, you know, ignore that.” Evan cringed and took a deep breath, closing his eyes before breathing out. “No, I’m doing nothing. What about you?”
> 
> Connor grinned. “I’m taking a pretty boy out on a date.” He knocked Evan’s trainers with his own converse. Evan looked up startled.
> 
> “Oh cool! Wow! Fun! You have a boyfriend? You never mentioned him? That’s- Wow! Could not be happier!” He shrieked, slightly regretting his lack of volume control and he grinned manically. Connor frowned and his eyebrows pulled together fiercely.
> 
> “No. I’m talking about you. I’m taking you on a date.” Connor explained slowly.
> 
> “Me?” Evan squeaked, Connor nodded his head slowly, dimple protruding from his cheek as he smiled. “Are you sure about that?”
> 
> “Very sure, Hansen.” Connor pulled at one of Evan’s fingers deliberately, presenting his own open palm in a very obvious gesture Evan couldn’t refuse. He slotted his own fingers between those of the other boys and bit down his smile. Connor gave a laugh into his shoulder and Evan noticed his neck was growing red.
> 
> The two boys stood in the corridor holding hands laughing quietly together while the rest of the school were oblivious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking about doing an epilogue of the get-together .. lemme know if u're interested in this concept
> 
> THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT THIS IS MY FIRST MULTI-CHAPTERED FIC AND IT HAS BEEN HARD AND I KNOW I'M INCONSISTENT BUT IM SO PROUD I MANAGED TO ACTUALLY FINISH SOMETHING. THIS IS A FIRST FOR ME. HOPEFULLY YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAS MADE THE HARD WORK WORTH IT

**Author's Note:**

> comment if u want more or if i need to Stop everything i'm doing.  
> this isn't a popular pairing so i felt i needed to contribute - let's play spot the marvel references


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